i said i will stop writing here.
this is one exception..
a good friend just passed away..
bike accident.
was gonna go NUS this august.
supposedly his parents brightest hope.
i knew him from sec one.
till now. NCC, Soccer, BBFC, Saturdays at Opera Estate.
just last saturday we played soccer.
he showed me how to play golf jokingly cause he worked at a golf course.
how to putt, how to drive. how he showed animatedly when he swing the ball travelled a great distance of 5m.
i asked him the joke, "who's soulja boys best friend?"
and he and another guy sportingly echoed, "YOU!!!"
how he wanted to punk me about sellin me his bike at a ridiculous price.
and finally i gave him my new number.
cause he's been smsing my mums number.
and i never got to receive an sms or call.
and the last hour of playing soccer.
he just decided to sit outside and look at us play.
from secondary school days where he was called flying dutchman.
cause he looked like a caucasian when he's arab.
how i saw him jumping up and down while showering at farah's house cause the water was too cold.
he was the only one with me that agree too help shuk.
its so fucked up. so fuckin sudden. everytime i saw his face, i thot he was asleep.
i wished he was asleep. but no
i wished he would just wake up. but no
i wished it was all a bad stupid joke. but no
i couldnt even bear to look at his mum cry when it was time to bring his body out.
he still looked the same.
i always thought i lost someone.
i thought that was it.
but that is so trivial now isnt it.
that its nothin actually.
but this...
like when u call his number, there wont be an answer on the other line.
there wont be his voice. next saturday, opera estate..
i wont hear his rxz. i wont see the passes he always try to make that always fail in the end.
i wont see his scared face when he plays keeper.
I just wont see him anymore.
it felt so surreal to be carrying you to your final home.
I dont know whether to say im fortunate or unfortunate to see him one last time before they buried him.
facing the kiblat to return to his maker.

You taught me somethings that I'll always keep close to my heart.
and even with your passing on, it has taught me everything is so temporary.
i have said those words, i understand the meaning of the words, but it has really hit home.
goodbye my dear friend. flying dutchman. arab. ayuk.
May God bless your soul Syed Faruk bin Syed Anwar Alkaff.

im done here.... =)

setapak langkah pantang surut, takkan member hilang di dunia.

  .

i forgot what meant the world to me.

on this day, on this day, on this day at this time somethin happened.
and today,on this day i got to know my grandmum got warded with a possibility of having leukemia.
pray for her please.if u have never prayed for me, if u are not praying for me, if u will never pray for me, please pray for my grandmum.

one must let go of everything in order to be truly happy.
bullshit.

liverpool never fail to make my morning,night and day.
the only consistent source of happiness in this fucked up life sometimes.
man u lost, chelsea lost. now 1 point adrift, better goal diff tho man u have 1 game in hand.

im gona go redzwan's house now. jiwa him.. has some problems with his loved one.but am proud to say he took my idea of paying her a visit when she's sick. but life is cruel huh. when u do good, shit happens.
it seems so familiar. 2am 3am take cab go bedok..haha.
somehow i think redzwan and me has somethin going on. 2 years. every dayof every week see him. wtf. seriously..  even our loved ones didnt see us that often.... we have come a long way. or not. hahaha. i dunoe. so here comes the story.
fucking gayshit.. first it was lying down on the bed listening to bubbly. go Courts, both of us proudly claim to everyone at JP it was OUR song. and on the train, listen to it together. and up till the last day of our NS life, bubbly again. 30 mins into the ride, i looked at his mp3 as he was zoning out. it was superhuman. and i was listening to it. fucking gaydog.HAHAHA. now thats wad i call cosmic connection. now, his msn nick is forever and ever, babe. and just fuckin look at my entry before this. and he doesnt know about this place. gona tell him now about it. goodness gracious. ok im off to his place now. before that. two pictures of my partner.
tkss, ninja,boc,brtc,lovelorn. =)

                     
                                
the same day it got confiscated, the same day it got returned. 
semangat some more take picture.hahahahaha.
                                                                       
you know I'm such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to....

i just finished watchin finding forrester on hbo. one of my favourite movies.kinda inspired by it. haha. first movie i watched more than 3 times. and the only part that sometimes i bother watchin for the re - watchin sessions is when the protagonist corrected his professor regarding the usage of further and farther. in which he next completed whatever lines the professor tried saying from famous authors. coolio.

watched mall cop with the sclub just now. my group of jc friends.. eugene,hilmi,jasper and chee hui. after that had supper at the prata shop at boon keng.. we talked about our crushes and infatuations in school. how mine was aniza. dimples so deep u could put 3 m&ms inside it and none will drop. how her number and mine matched, no. 8. how the whole soccer team knew about it. ahh heck, how all of my friends,her friends, people i didnt even know knew. the only motivation for me to run around the dreaded track was to catch a glimpse of her at the basketball court. and once i ran past the basketball court, all i thought about was to run faster so i can see her again. how mr teng got into the act. labelled all my goals and whatver i did as aniza-ing or his personal nickname for me was dikiza.. and the bus stop incident. that was sad wasnt it.. hahahha. motherfucker. but at least she made me fit like a dog considering i had to keep running.10 rounds? ok set as long as shes at the basketball court. hahaha.
and then we talked about the future when we have kids. have a gathering and all our sons will be there, assuming all of us will have a son that is. how to differentiate from one another. chee hui's son will start a fight, hilmi's son will be at the kitchen, eating while the fight is going on, jasper's son will hide one corner and play with shit and my son will dick slap everyone,and amongst the chaos, darren's son will ask all our daughters to go back his house..hahahha. had a good laugh about it.

on a serious note, i dunoe. i always had this affinity towards kids. u know.. like have kids and stuff. im not gona say im gona be a perfect dad or whatever ahh but i guess ill try to be a good one. if its a girl, then she'll be the manja kid u know. for sure.. her name, her first would be zara for reasons only ill know. second name is still out there, i dunoe yet but adelia sounds nice. zara adelia. =) if its a boy, then i think ill let him do whatever he wants but one thing is to make him learn to play the piano. i picked it up too late. self learn some more. quite difficult considering i learnt to play songs by ear and then try to figure it out on the keyboard. tideous process once u try to find the next note, one after another. tho i could just google it, but step challenge myself. haha. start early, then when in his school days, itd be easier. easier to what? hahahaha. ur own flesh and blood. u see yourself, u see ur wife in these precious souls. my eyes, her nose, my sharp jawline, her hair, my sporty side, her beauty. so beautiful isnt it? and when u have grandkids, they run around in your house. your kids all grown up. and when they return back to their respective lives, its just you and your wife. just like how it was the first time when u were fumbling to say u liked her. how ur heart was beating so fast while waiting for her on your first date. how it skipped a beat when u see how beautiful she was as she walked towards u, smiling. how all that irritatedness u felt after waiting an hour just dissolve into a pool of adoration and awe of her perfection. how u walked beside her, catchin scent of her perfume and the smell of her hair. how u pretend not to notice all these, pretend not to notice the reason why she was late was because she took the effort to dress up for u. how u lied about not waiting for god damn 60 mins, "oh no, i just reached also actually." how scared you were to hold her soft hands. how u saw her smile when u finally do. how u will never forget that smile. never forget that smile. how u sent her home for the first time, taking note of how to get there by yourself next time you wanna surprise her. how both of you embraced each other when parting became such a sweet sorrow. how your heart wanted to explode out of your chest when those 3 words were uttered. how ur soft lips touched hers. just you and ur wife. and she has grown wrinkles now. her hair still beautiful, sultry black once, soothing white now. her eyes, her lips.. nobody will see what u saw. nobody will see her beauty like u did. and when it's your time, she'll still be around. to tell your grandkids about you. how she was late for the first date. how he didnt even compliment or comment about the dress she wore especially for that occasion. how her earrings matched her shoes and all he could say was " your earrings not weighing u down isit? " how his hands were sweaty when he held her hands for the first time. how he managed to find his way to her house to pass her medicine when she complaint she had flu in the morning.how she mouthed the word "colourful" to him to describe the sense of dressing of a lady who was irritating her at the departmental store and he mouthed back "i love you too". and she will sleep alone. and all she has left are memories. memories which has made her life fulfilling. and while she has lost you, that memory would always be around when she gaze upon the faces of your kids, your grandkids. i duno about other people. but i just find it so heartwarming. a soulmate.

alritoes. that pretty sums up this entry. i missed solat subuh as a result of writing this. i think gona qadak solat after i mandi later.. then go for a morning run or somethin. but now got no basketball court. haha. good morning my lovely readers. the little that i have.  =)

i think im gona stop bloggin soon enuff.
tired of ranting down here.
cheers people..
ill give it a week from now.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

houston, i have a bad feeling about this.

only 2 english players has scored against man u at old trafford. today its stevie g and the other is a wes brown own goal againt liverpool. HAHA.

 its all a fuckin game..dont u see and get it?
GAME. and ure the pawn.
haih. i guess people just wanna see what they wanna see.
hear what they wanna hear.
see what they already envisioned.
i'm done dishing out advices and predicting whats gona happen next which end up being true.
tired of holding back the "i told you so" speech cause its not needed when shit already happens.
happy looking at you enjoying life and exhausted when that same life that u thought u have been
chasing all this while turns around and fucks u right up. literally or not.
this game is getting old. i shake my head as people still fall for the traps laid for them.
and then still ask how?
i shake my head at their folly.

azimah lost to me 5-0 in pool.
that sums up my day.
it is when i discount the fact i had to accompany her to the bodyshop sale in which i had to carry her stuff, try to push around for her to find gloves, smile at a couple of ladies cause they were also being pushed around. spent 60 bucks on sudanese food which i had a serious deja vu while she was paying. smoked and smoked at the fountain of wealth. contemplated of buying hamsters. the girl workin there was oh so friendly.walked to bugis where i saw shikin again.told her im gona marry her.met darren and pei liang. and lastly, yes the best part... i won 5-0 in pool against azimah. yes yes. she still cant win. tried giving her tips which didnt work cause apparently envisioning and the real thing are polar opposites in her opinion.
5-0. thats like the agregate score for liverpool vs real madrid.
i had a nice day amidst all this nonsense.

word of the day, nega-ti-vi-ty.

life of a conscript is over no matter how high the appointment they gave to try fool me to work harder.
and i woke up late. that sums up my NS life. late for work, late to say yes to her, late for enlisment, late to hand in admin stuff. hahahahha. i feel much better. feel like goin camp now, but thru basic calculations, we wont get our pink ic in time. ahhh fuck. wait till monday to dekit ah. gona go dhoby ghaut with mr jeylani go buy some stuff. duno wad.ill add some more stuff later. bubye.

im this close. this close. this close. to reachin that anger that i had erased from my life which fuck me up for the whole of fuckin last year.

strewn on the floor
pictures & memories
ill try smiling
thru all this.

so smiley. cause liverpool win 4-0. cause i just got back from simpang and shared the most wonderful of time impersonating lady gaga and slumdog. cause im gona ORD tmr. cause fazly, syed and wasim are the people ill miss. cause they spent valentines with me. cause i have friends that i have to give BJ to. cause my jacket kept farah warm while crossin the road. cause my jacket kept farah warm while riding back to her house. cause i get the lamest of jokes from siti. cause i felt like siti's bf at the career and education fair. cause darren was there when i regurgitated my sushi out at his house's drain. cause chee hui will always tell me to get him a yoshi pipe for his s4. cause jasper, jasper will always be my MPK. cause hilmi is fat. cause i enjoyed my time talkin and chillin out with a girl named niki. cause i spell my name diki. cause i thot she was chinese.cause shikin spelled backwards is niki minus the sh.cause i duno why she has to be embarassed of her name unlike mine. cause azie thinks i forgot about her in this paragraph.cause ill always be like this towards her. cause she thinks working at rastafari is cool. cause i dun hold any ill feelings towards anyone anymore. cause this looks as if im just trying to convince myself everythin is fine when it's not. cause i know its fuckin not. cause i look upon the beautiful things in life and thank God for it. cause all this is a test from him. cause no test is too big for us, if not he wont put it upon us. cause surely, with every difficulty there is relief. cause surely, with every difficulty there is relief. cause ill just let this pass. cause time heals all wounds. cause im gona give free tuition to math is tamil girl. cause im goin cyclin tmr. cause i wana help the old nenek whos selling tissue. cause i keep thinkin shes someone's grandma. cause i always think what if it was my grandma doing that. cause i just walked past a pregnant lady and her 5 year old child and she was sellin tissue too. cause i turned back and bought one. cause i couldnt stomach the thought i could do a little to help but didnt. cause i dun care whether its a hoax or scam. cause its up to them to do what they want. cause i just wana help. cause i just wana smile. =)

i hate to see my mum cry. 
 
fuck you fuck. seriously im not in the fuckin mood to be a filial, giving son right now..
i dun care whether i fucking get beat up like fuck, but as long as i get to land just one,one damn jab on your face, it would be sweet. so sweet for making life bullshit all these years. all this while is just my mum who keep telling me not to. keep telling me to look at her and think of her everytime i get angry at u. but sometimes, sometimes listening is not an option anymore i guess. u fuckin mess my life up at the same time last year. fuckin mess my mind up. make me become ironically like u. short tempered and unpredictable. i lost those i love cause of that. and the buck stops there. im not gona lose anymore. i dun fuckin mind losing u. im fuckin rantin here cause i have no where else to rant. ill spare my friends the rant. cause i have done enough lamenting and complaining and crying to them. so ill rather spare them the agony. =) right azie? hahahaha.thank u for being my friend and poppin up in my mind right now. u and the BJ group make life better for me.  but haih, fuck la. fuck you. when u come back, ima sock ur face.mark my fuckin words.

good mornin sunshine. =)

i learnt over the weekends that when life gives u lemons, fuck the lemons.
and if u cant fuck em' then just suck it up.
so here's a big FUCK YOU to a certain someone who's only thinkin of himself.